08062006

Death is worse than robbery or stealing. Death steals life and unlike material things, life cannot be replaced. For me death is like taking back what’s not originally ours. We owe our life to God and there comes a time that you should give it up. It’s not frightening. Rather, it’s very wonderful. Leaving the real world is leaving illness, poverty and sufferings. It may be hard to leave your loved ones but their time is going to be soon. You’ll see them eventually.

This morning I woke up thinking about death. Not in a suicidal sense though. I’m not planning to kill myself and I don’t want to die any time soon. Nor am I contemplating murder. Rather, I’ve been pondering on how I would like to die. We all have to die sometime. Unless, of course, you happen to be a vampire or an immortal.

I would prefer to die quickly. Maybe by an accident or by violence, not in a morbid way though. I wouldn’t want to die of old age. You know… old and senile, peeing and shitting in my adult diapers with a vague, empty look in my eyes and drool hanging from my chin. Or die from disease? Ugh. I don’t want to waste away in a hospital bed suffering from complications and hooked up to machines with tubes stuck up my nose and wherever part of my body. I wouldn’t want to drown either. Can you imagine how that would feel? Not being able to breathe, your lungs burning, and water filling your chest? How long would that take? I hear about ten minutes for the average adult. And when you’re finished drowning your corpse would be bloated from the water in your stomach. Looking like those malnourished kids in Somalia. Dying from hunger. Their bodies just giving up after months of starvation. Their intestines grinding against each other. And dying in my sleep via Valium or whatever? That would be okay! Except for the fact that it’s not dramatic or spectacular enough for me. I also don’t like to be ran over by a vehicle of some sort, I don’t want pieces of me flying over some place… isn’t it bad when a part of you comes missing when you get buried? I would like to go out in a big way. Suicide is out of the question, though when I’m depressed I think of it. There’s still enough of my catholic brainwashing to keep me from entertaining THAT notion. Sometimes I think of what my funeral would be like, if all of my family, relatives and friends would be there. How many people would be there and how many of them cared for me. I have a detailed plan on what my hearse and casket would look like. It’s just different when you have planned things ahead. But I don’t want to die yet. I still have lots of things to do, things to achieve. I still have a lot of goals to pursue.  

But when I think of my death let it be LOUD! Let it be BIG! Something with an impact! Like an overdose. Or having my head cut off by a flying aluminum roof or a falling pane of glass… kidding! That’s something freaky! But I want something people remember. Being shot in a playground. In front of dozens of impressionable little children. That would ensure my memorability. The psychiatry bills those kids’ parents would be paying for years to come would be my legacy. Something to remember me by….   

by: Faith Angeli P. Estalilla (August 6, 2006)

Mushy, mushy, mushy....

"The inspiration to love him comes from the unexplainable sensation
that comes from deep inside, the one that grows with every thought,
every touch, and every word. Day by day, you crave more of him, live to
see his face, and linger for that extra touch. It’s the winter nights
holding each other close, the spring mornings with sweet kisses and
gentle touches. Just to hear his voice…."


November 27, 2007

Sad, sad, sad..

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out; they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know. If you’re willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.


December 13, 2007

May 14, 2007 11:46 pm

There is something about compliments that scares me. Part of the reason may be that I’m afraid of getting something that can be subsequently taken away. I put myself in the hands of other people if I let my emotions lean on their statements. 

Another reason: I am being put on a spot and now must watch what I do to keep them thinking this way about me. 
Another: There is a part of me that knows I am not as good as their compliments imply.  
Another:  I have often been insincere when saying similar things.

Flattery can stir me up as much as criticism– if i take it to heart.

May 14, 2007 11:23 pm

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same as I began. The more things change the more I am the same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and regression, but my sense of progress is based on the illusion that things out there are going to remain the same and that, at last, I have gained a little control. But there will never be means to ends, only means. And I am means. I am what I started with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me.

I Refuse (from Ida)

This was sent to my email by my ex-boyfriend's cousin Ida Mayo... she sent it to me when we (my ex and I) were going through something. Thanks Ida, I miss you!:


April 28, 2007
(from my Friendster blog: Sick, Sad, World **source: http://faith111105.blog.friendster.com/2007/04/something-from-ida/)

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing  but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer and clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going but months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.

I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all of this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I didn’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.

R.I.P. Friendster! :(

The blogs i'll be posting here are all from my Friendster blog, because as I've heard Friendster will bid goodbye on the 31st of May so i'm saving all of my blogs here and some pictures, probably all the memories built there... I haven't been using my Friendster account since forever but it's sad to know that something that's been a part of your life will soon be lost forever... 

When testimonials were stuff people write about you and your personalities...

Awwww the testimonials, oh the testimonials... i'm gonna miss! :(