humans are born with the desire to roam the earth… 09112008

Humans are born with the desire to roam the earth. We crawl, then walk, then run, all in an effort to move further away from where they came from… home. I know firsthand the thrill of what changing one’s surroundings can do for one’s heart, and now I also know that sometimes staying home and letting others go can be its own fantastic journey. Because when you let go of something, you make room for something else entirely, something you never expected, something that makes “home” seem like its own unexpected adventure… A trip where new treasures are found around every old corner, for the world and all its complexities come right to your doorstep. Because, in the end, the power is not just with those who go away, but also in what they leave behind.

                         ~Marin (Men in Trees)

Bitterness!!! Ampalaya! 08292008

i know i’ve said i wouldn’t turn to alcohol anymore, but what the heck! i need to shut down… shut down from everything… i haven’t had a decent sleep for weeks now and i say alcohol’s my last resort… even though my eyes are all droopy, my brain just doesn’t want to shut down… i know scientifically it never will but i just can’t stop thinking…. i force myself to sleep but my brain and body won’t allow… i’m too exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually…. i need to stop thinkingand waiting. i need to pause for a while to regain my strength but i can’t. it’s too hard not to think of all the problems i have right now. i try to divert my mind from thinkin’ that i’m all alone now, but it seems that everything i do and everywhere i go constantly reminds me of him…. haay…. so sad… =’c men are such complete a**holes! f***k them all!!!

Premature Death 08212008

Today, Thursday August 21, 2008 is my fourth day without sleep, it started last Monday. Last Tuesday was supposed to be my day, planned to pamper myself and get more sleep cause I obviously lack lots of it, my dull, blemished and pimpled skin proves it… I had no choice but to go to school just to have our case study photocopied. Unfortunately my friends saw me at, of all places, our school library… =)  they dragged me to have a few drinks, indulged myself on chicken skin while we reminisce on our past kalokohans and drinking sessions. I missed them a lot since I had no time for my friends eversince I had a boyfriend. Now i’m back on track, single again… keeping myself updated on their lives and gimik nights. I missed going out with my friends. Well anyway, I lost track of time and got home around 11:30pm and crammed on gettin’ our case study done and due Wednesday 8am. While readin’ our case I never understood a word from it cause my tummy suddenly ached big time it gave me a hard time sleeping so as usual I never got to sleep. Come 5:30am, and still not a single word comes to mind for our case study. I got up and took a bath, prepared my stuff, dashed off, never even had time to eat. Drat, my two bags are killin’ me… brought my laptop cause I’m hoping i could find time to finish our case when i get to school, and I swear it’s heavy! Talk about inconvinience!!! On my way to the tricycle terminal rain poured hard, lucky I brought my  pink and adorable umbrella and wore my ever reliable sneaks just in case criminal water floods taft =) Got on the bus, my bags’ practically bumping on to everyone. At last i’ll be gettin a few minutes of sleep, while trying to doze off the shitty conductor pats my shoulder and asked their neverending question: "Mam san po kayo?" replied:" women’s estudyante"… i tried to go back to dreamland and then again th conductor wakes me up "Mam pamasahe lang po"… Talk about freakin’ annoying, I looked out the window, dammit Magallanes na, I don’t have enough time to sleep na the woman beside me kept fidgeting pa… haaaay life terribly sucks!  8 o’clock and i’m still in Vito Cruz (shit late na naman ako 30mins. sermon na naman ito!) … Phone beeps and it was Joyce saying the security guards won’t let her in cause she’s wearing civilian daw dapat daw college shirt ang suot… To hell with them newbie guards eh wash day naman! Then the disease struck me, ‘katamaran’…texted Joyce i won’t be able to come to class din coz i too wasn’t wearing our college shirt i definitely don’t wanna argue with the guards na. So we decided to get our caffiene fix… went to Starbucks Torre Lorenzo and stayed there from 9am til 11am… Talked about our failed relationships and learned we have a lot in common.Hehe! Mga hopeless romantic! Nature called me and so we went home. Got home 1pm, excited, i jumped on my bed cause i definitely missed lying on it, but I can’t sleep so i watched Devil Wears Prada for the 4th time… still not feelin’ a bit sleepy, so I just surfed the net and watched Kim Sam Soon… never failed to make me laugh. Then I thought to myself grabe this is my 3rd day without sleep na, I badly need a lot of it… Kaya lang I tried hard and still can’t sleep. Now it’s my 4th day na and I swear I feel so stressed out, i’ve been tryin’ to shut my eyes but doing so only reminds of something so depressing… haaay… adik na!!! And for the past few days I only had a chance to eat rice once, I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I sometimes forget to eat na, having been too occupied with a lot of stuff. *SIGH* The past few days have been so confusing and terribly stressing… I scream from fatigue and dream of sleeping for a month, if only the world will stop… i will rest, for i am tired of being restless. =(

Glycerine -Bush 08122008

Must be your skin I’m sinking in, must be for real ‘coz now I feel… and I didn’t mind, it’s not my kind. Not my time to wonder why everything’s gone white, and everything’s grey… now you’re here, now you’re away. I DON’T WANT THIS, remember that I’ll never forget where you’re at… don’t let the days go by glycerine…

I’m never alone, I’m all alone all the time. Are you at one, or do you lie? We live in a wheel where everyone steals but when we rise it’s like strawberry fields.

If I treated you bad you bruise my face. Couldn’t love you more, you got a beautiful taste. Don’t let the days go by, could have been easier on you. I couldn’t change though I wanted to. Could have been easier by three. Our old friend fear; you, and me.

I needed you more, when we wanted us less. I could not kiss, just regress. It just might be clear, simple and plain. That’s just fine, that’s just one of my names. Don’t let the days go by. Could’ve been easier on you….. Gylcerine =’c

Dream Wedding 08062008

Well I just came across Fernbrook Garden’s website and I swear I fell in love with the place, well I used to dream of marrying at the Fernwood Gardens or at a beach but this place is way better with a Rolls-Royce or Bentley vintage cars, horse-drawn carriage and gondola… couples can choose from Victorian or Russian era inspired reception venues. I don’t have plans now cause definitely I haven’t found a groom yet… =) But every girl’s got their dream weddings right? I just wanted to share some photos here:

I hope someday… Whoever my groom will be, could afford to marry me in this romantic and expensive place! Haha! Di masamang mangarap!

Fernbrook Gardens is located at
Portofino South, Daang Reyna,
Las Pinas, Metro Manila
www.fernbrookgardens.com
Contact Nos.:   
7108608  .  7108545  .  3873740 
.  3836865  .  9278392 
(0917)5683972  .  (0917)8605449  .  (0917)8606478

the last time... i’ll fall in love *thanks to maryll nalaman ko din ang title* 07312008

                                                
The first time I fell in love was long ago.

I didn’t know how to give my love at all.

The next time I settled for what felt so close.

But without romance, you’re never gonna fall.

After everything I’ve learned;
Now it’s finally my turn.

This is the last time I’ll fall… in love.

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
there was a moment when everything was clear.

I didn’t need to ask or even wonder why, because each question is answered when you’re near and 
I’m wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds, this is the last time I’ll fall in love.
Now don’t hold back, just let me know.

Could I be moving much too fast or way too slow.

‘Cause all of my life, I’ve waited for this day.

To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I’ll never be the same.

You’ll never know what it’s taken me to say these words.

And now that I’ve said them, they could never be enough.

As far as I can see, there’s only you and only me.

This is the last time I’ll fall in love.
Last time I’ll fall in love.


The last time I’ll fall… in love.

*Finally… i got the title if this song na… I’ve been dying to know the title of this song for years… thanks to Maryll’s blog buti na lang birthday nya! =) i just love this song. Happy Birthday Meme! Miss you! Mwah!*

6 a.m. Blog-ag! (July 26, 2008)

Waaaah 6am na pala and i didn’t even realize, as usual naabutan ko na naman ang tunog ng mga nagwawalis, potpot at ng mga manok… i can’t believe how i can get so absorbed in surfin’ the net… haha! well, i’m searchin’ for kewl stuffs for my birthday like cool give aways, invites, cakes and stuff…

Well, here’s my wish list for my birthday:

- canon eos 40d slr

- Can’t stop ogling at a Sony Vaio VGN-CR510E Pink Lizard (haaay… i have to sell my neo na!!! Grr!!!)

- kewl party with matching face paint, bubble machine and the works (kid’s party? hehe!)
- bubble machine
- reunion with my gurl friends
- lotsa booze
- piñata 
- at soooper dami pang iba

Since i never had a party on my 18th  birthday, i’d want one now. Already had a deal with my friend and he promised he’d cook for me on my birthday. I’m so excited and i hope i could make it happen, i hope by that time i have lots of money na hehe! I really have a lot of plans on my day… kung pwede lang may balloon twisters i’d get one.

Well anyway, i need to sleep ‘coz my folks wud be up any minute now… unfortunately am not even feelin’ a bit sleepy, wonder where Mr. Sandman is… nakalimutan nya yata ako daanan baka stranded sa dreamland. =) Haaaay…. ang hirap maging insomniac. Time flies and it flies reeeeaaally fast naka-NOS ata hehe!… Monday na naman tomorrow traffic na naman, i really hate mondays… i get to wear stupid stockings, time for case studies, i’d get to see my freakin’ prof. again! haaay! traffic na naman lalo bukas because of Gloria’s stupid SONA, the rallies and what-nots! Asar pa when i get to sit sa steps ng bus, everyone would bump into you like you don’t exist at all. Life sucks big time! Ayan mom’s up already! Huli! hehe! Time to doze off.

You- Athena Cage

It’s time to be honest with myself
I’ve fooled around too long
now all I think about is you
and what we used to have

I’m scared to live without your love
‘Coz you were really all i had
now my only love has gone away
and it hurts so bad

The only thing that’s missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
is you, is you, is you.

It’s time to be honest with you
you made me a better woman
you cared for me so much
so much you scared me boy.

Now I feel you in the air I breath
even though you’re not in front of me
you were like a summer breeze
and it’s killing me

The only thing that’s missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

You’re the only man

I’m tired of crying, come back in my life
think about it, it’s been awhile
I’ve never meant to hurt you
you’re the only man I need…..

The only thing that’s missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

The only man is you..

(July 2, 2008)

Gloomy Sunday June 18, 2008

It is autumn and the leaves are falling
All love has died on earth
The wind is weeping with sorrowful tears
My heart will never hope for a new spring again
My tears and my sorrows are all in vain
People are heartless, greedy and wicked…

Love has died!

The world has come to its end, hope has ceased to have a meaning
Cities are being wiped out, sharpnel is making music
Meadows are
red with human blood
There are dead people on the streets everywhere
I will say another quiet prayer:
People are sinners, Lord, they make mistakes…

The world has ended!

Mental Contagion of Ideas 06152008

Mother’s Reflections on Suicide 

(from the Notes of Letizia Grasso) November 1996

The end 

No more pain

No more joy

No more tears

No more smiles 

No more anxieties

No more satisfactions

No pressure to achieve

No more achievements

No more hatred

No more love

No more dark nights

No more splendid sunrises

No more frustrations

No more accomplishments

No more angry words

No more terms of endearment

NO MORE

and amputation

that you imagined as a clean surgical cut

but instead

is a bloody, jagged me that won’t heal

and soils everyone you ever cared about

and cared about you.

We are left, puzzled, bloodied, wounded

No longer vibrant , whole confident

Now we go forth handicapped, missing an essential limb,

that will never be replaced

and always longed for.

Your legacy,

sorrow, betrayal, anger, guilt.

An ignoble reciprocation

of so much love

You should have chosen

to stay,

fight,

argue

fail

disappoint me

and keep stretching the narrow confines

of my perimeter.

INSTEAD YOU ARE GONE

I AM STAGNANT, IN STUPOR

I VIEW MY WORLD AND FEAR TO FACE THE AGONIZING BEAUTY AND PAIN OF LIFE

I THINK OF JOINING YOU

AND REALIZE YOU TOOK THE BEST PART OF ME WITH YOU.

In this zombie state,

I wander in the shadow world

The atrium of death

where I must decide which exit

left or right,

left into cold night

right into the endless struggle

and bloody battles of life.

No longer equipped for the fight,

minimized

traumatized

disregarded

anguished.

I curl up in this atrium

and lick my wounds that will not heal

and look inside

to find purpose

to reinvent my life

to reinvest my energies

to find my courage

that will allow me to foolishly

continue with this life.

No longer whole,

No longer young

trustful

gay

but,

bloodied

old

tired

a shadowy remnant

of my old self

I set out 

to continue alone.

Depression... 05242008

haaay… feeling so depressed right now. my boyfriend just broke up with me and i don’t exactly know the reason why…. i just remembered we fought because i’m too drunk and didn’t wanna go home… what’s wrong with

 wanting to spend more time with him?! when he said he doesn't want me anymore i thought i could accept it… because i already had my mind set with the fact that everything’s not worth it anymore, all my efforts wasted, time spent thinking and waiting for nothing. i was about to give up, but i held back, coz i know i can’t leave him 'coz i love him too much. i thought everything would change, i hoped he would change someday but i’m left with false hopes… he was the first to give up on me. i can’t think of reasons why he’d leave me coz i know to myself i haven’t done anything to hurt him (well at least that’s what i know), I've tried to be the best girlfriend i could be, maybe giving too much isn't enough…. i think i’ve been lying to myself for a long time, thinkin’ he still loves me, when in fact he just loved the thought of having someone who’s always there for him, someone who’d be at his beck and call, i tried to believe he has great love for me…. i hate knowing i made him what he is right now. i don’t know if i could let go, maybe someday, somehow…. i know it won’t be easy but having God, my family and friends to support me, i know life could go on. i will try to be strong. i won’t lose hope for us, maybe someday, when everything’s going well between us, maybe we’d overcome this, i hope God would give us another chance, others may say that he doesn't deserve my love, but i know he does. i’ll keep hoping, and i would never give up on him. there’s a lot of stuff going on in my mind right now, so many questions, what-if’s and what could've been, i shouldn’t regret anything that happened because i know God has reasons for everything but i can’t deny the fact that i somehow hated myself for being so stupid, for humiliating myself in front of his family and friends but my heart goes out to them who’d been there for me. hope everything would be fine, i know my family would never leave me during this time of healing…. and to him, i know he’s strong and i loved you for being strong, i know you will cherish the love we've shared in those two wonderful years, maybe this is just not the right time for us but i hope someday we could still be together, i have faith in our love and i have faith in you. know that i will always be here for you, i will wait for you. take good care of yourself, your family and friends, thank you for loving me, thanks for not hurting me (physically), for accepting all my flaws and i’m so grateful having met your family. they’ll always be in my heart. =)

While waiting for you, i will go back to loving myself again… this i haven’t done for quite some time now. Maybe when i get back to loving myself, i would gain more love from others, maybe from you. I know i’ve screwed up a lot of times already and it’s never anyone’s fault but mine, so now i will pay more attention to what life has to teach me and to what it taught me… this time, when i have problems, i won’t turn to drinking tons of alcohol anymore because it only helps you forget your problems temporarily and sometimes it may cause you more problems you would regret the moment you get sober, i’d just turn to my family and friends whom i know would give me their knowledge on what life has to offer because now i know they will always be there for you no matter what you do and whoever you become…. Loving myself, and my body(my health) are my priorities now. It’s never too late to straighten things up and lift up everything to God.

Loving yourself is believing that it is okay to

like the great and crazy things others like about you, or that you are

someone who has friends who love you, even if you don’t know why. No one

is perfect, and no one should feel, or be, alone. 

Loving that one person, loving anyone, and especially loving yourself, is not anything that LOVE is NOT.

"When it comes to relationships,

maybe we’re all in glass houses

and shouldn't throw stones.

Because you can never really know…

Some people are settling down,

some people are settling,

and some people refuse to settle

for anything less

than Butterflies."

–Carrie,

Sex and the City

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

Look at the sunny side of everything and make your

optimism come true.

Think only of the best,

work only for the best,

and expect only the best.

Forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

Give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

Live in the faith that

the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true

to the best that is in you!"

- Christian D. Larson

May 24, 2008

My Man

My Man
by: Regina Spektor

My man don’t treat me right
Don’t kiss me sweet goodnight
Don’t buy me flowers to smell
Why he’s a rotten boy from hell

My man don’t treat me good,
He eats all my food
And he leaves me such a mess
They say I’m cursed, but I am blessed

Cos he loves me, he loves me, he really, really loves me
And his eyes are bluer than the bluest sky above the city
He don’t agree but what a pity
He love me yes he does

My man don’t treat me sweet,
He walks the empty streets
And he drinks and smokes and swears
And they say he doesn’t care

My man he breaks my heart,
He tears me all apart
And he leaves me such a mess,
They say I’m cursed but I am blessed

Cos he loves me, he loves me, he really, really loves me
And his eyes are bluer than the bluest sky above the city
He don’t agree but what a pity
He love me yes he does

Oh my man, I love him so
He’ll never know
All my life is just despair,
But I don’t care
When he takes me in his arms, the world is bright,alright?

What’s the difference if I say, I'll go away?
When I know i'll come back on my knees someday
For whatever my man is
I’m HIS, FOREVER MORE.


January 14, 2008